The Breakup

[guitarmy]

My girlfriend and I of almost 7 years have come to the end of our relationship.

I'm not sure what to say about it so if you want to help me then ask me some questions.

I want to be as fair as possible to her so I can't give you all the details.

This really sucks. Please give me something to do on the computer besides cry when talking to her on IM.

[Medhb]

My girlfriend and I of almost 7 years have come to the end of our relationship.

I'm not sure what to say about it so if you want to help me then ask me some questions.

I want to be as fair as possible to her so I can't give you all the details.

This really sucks. Please give me something to do on the computer besides cry when talking to her on IM.

So sorry to hear that. It's painful. My first suggestion would be to stop IM'ing with her, unless there is a shot you will get back together. Keeping in touch will not allow you to fully accept that it's over.

Good luck....Love, Light, and Peace to you.

[guitarmy]

So sorry to hear that. It's painful. My first suggestion would be to stop IM'ing with her, unless there is a shot you will get back together. Keeping in touch will not allow you to fully accept that it's over.

Good luck....Love, Light, and Peace to you.

Well there is a shot, but it's likely not going to be any time soon. And there's a Whole Lotta hurtin' in between now and the "would be" then.

I would prefer to not talk to her at all right now, but she doesn't want me to lose all contact and wants to be my friend.

I guess I'm still dependent on her in some respects, but I don't think she is dependent on me at all.

Personally, I don't want to be just her friend. I want to be her boyfriend and I wanted to marry her when the time was right.

I'm not sure that will be possible now.

[lzfan715]

Medhb is right. I think it would be best if you didn't talk. You need time to heal, and it will help. You have things to work though, and so does she. When you feel ready, and not needy about it then it's time to talk.

[guitarmy]

Medhb is right. I think it would be best if you didn't talk. You need time to heal, and it will help. You have things to work though, and so does she. When you feel ready, and not needy about it then it's time to talk.

I can't seem to distract myself at all.

No matter where I go or what I do, I see her.

For God's sake, I cried through the movie "Yes, Man".

Unfortunately, she's been bottling this up inside for a while now, so she's quicker to move on because she's been unhappy for a while.

I can't avoid her because I miss her. I don't know where I start and where she ends

It reminds me of this song:

I'm Slowly Turning Into You

-The White Stripes

i'm slowly turning into you

but you don't know this

to be true

you say i'm lying and I never really

tell you the truth

but your face is getting older

so put your head on my shoulder

yeh put your head on my shoulder

yesterday it hit me that i do

all the little things

that you do

except those same little things

that you do

are annoying

they're annoying as hell in fact

it kind of struck a little bell in fact

i like to keep my little shell intact

and i'm slowly turning into you

and i'm slowly turning into you

and i'm slowly turning into you

then something else came to mind

and that was the mirror

it made everything clearer

that you are more beautiful

compelling and stronger

it didn't take much longer

just for me to realize

i love all the little things

and the beauty that they're gonna bring

i dig your little laugh

and im loving your quick wit

i even love it when you're faking it!

and it might sound a little strange

for me to say to you

but i'm proud to be you

and im slowly turning into you

and im slowly turning into you

and im slowly turning into you

and im slowly turning into you

and im slowly turning into you

...

So it's like I'm parting with myself here.

[Dzldoc]

I dont know your age or hers? But sometimes women break it off because the man hasnt committed. I read in a book on relationship advice that if the man is unwilling to commit within a year or two, its time to move on and he is never going to commit. Perhaps give her time and at the same time come out and see if this has anything to do with it? If you want her that bad, you may want to consider popping the question? But like I say, I dont know the circumstances. Good luck! I hope it works out for you. But if it doesnt, try and be strong and remember there are many others out there that could make you happy in life.

I dated the ex for over 8 years and it will be a total of 29 year relationship when the divorce is final. I feel like I'm trying to learn to walk all over again.

I do agree with the commitment thing though. Now that I think back it felt like it had come to an ultimatum.

[zepyep]

Hi all,

She broke up with you?

Goodbye,see you never,ever again,lose the Im/phone number.

Adue,.....

KB

[guitarmy]

I dont know your age or hers? But sometimes women break it off because the man hasnt committed. I read in a book on relationship advice that if the man is unwilling to commit within a year or two, its time to move on and he is never going to commit. Perhaps give her time and at the same time come out and see if this has anything to do with it? If you want her that bad, you may want to consider popping the question? But like I say, I dont know the circumstances. Good luck! I hope it works out for you. But if it doesnt, try and be strong and remember there are many others out there that could make you happy in life.

Well here are a "few" details:

We started going out when we were 18. We dated all through college and now we are 25/26.

She asked me recently why I didn't ask her to marry me.

I don't know if she believes me, but here is why:

I was waiting for the right time and circumstance. Meaning I didn't think it was smart to get married in college. She graduated before I did, so there was a period where she was waiting for me so we could move on together.

I guess she got tired of waiting, because eventually she started wondering what else was out there. We dated all through college so this makes a lot of sense to me.

I've had a rough time the past couple of years with school, money, and jobs. I didn't want to propose to her because I didn't think I deserved her yet. Or maybe I didn't think she would think she deserved me. I wanted to marry her, and I know I mentioned it (she doesn't think I did), and every time I did it seemed like that she wasn't happy with where I was at. So yeah, I waited for a better time to come along, and for me to get on my feet.

So I figured I just had to get my situation going in the right direction, and then I could pop the question. Recently, I thought I was doing just that, but unfortunately we had already moved in together, and I'd been through a couple jobs in the past few months. I was laid off for financial reasons for the first one, worked a shitty hours job for the second (not able to see her as much I would have liked), and now my current job is great.

So I think it's just a tragedy that we were almost there and I just needed her to hang on a little longer. I wish she could see the tragedy of us not being on the same page, so we could get back to whatever page that is.

...

One thing that is in the back of my mind is that my parents were divorced. This doesn't mean I don't want to commit to her, but it does mean that I'm probably more careful about it than most people.

In a way, I felt like I was already committed to her with the many promises that we'd made each other. But somehow, the rest of the world's opinions on our long "commitment-less" relationship got to her.

...

One thing that really bothers me, is that if she would have been willing to marry me a year or two ago, then why can't we do that now?

Everyone changes, but we are still very much the same people.

IMO, we have just gotten short changed a little, facing a lot of things that a young couple probably wasn't prepared to handle (living together with money problems).

I think we just need to regroup and remember what about our relationship made us happy.

[Dzldoc]

Well there is a shot, but it's likely not going to be any time soon. And there's a Whole Lotta hurtin' in between now and the "would be" then.

I would prefer to not talk to her at all right now, but she doesn't want me to lose all contact and wants to be my friend.

I guess I'm still dependent on her in some respects, but I don't think she is dependent on me at all.

Personally, I don't want to be just her friend. I want to be her boyfriend and I wanted to marry her when the time was right.

I'm not sure that will be possible now.

She was 18 and I was 21 when we met.

Hate to break this to ya but it sounds like she's found someone new! JMHO

[guitarmy]

I dated the ex for over 8 years and it will be a total of 29 year relationship when the divorce is final. I feel like I'm trying to learn to walk all over again.

I do agree with the commitment thing though. Now that I think back it felt like it had come to an ultimatum.

I'm sorry to hear that.

If there's one thing that I admire about her and this situation, is that she did eventually speak up before it was too late (ie were were married, or worse, married with kids)

Yeah I wish she would have said something a little sooner and made SURE that I noticed. I don't think you can always expect someone to hear you and you need to confirm that they did before you abandon hope. I CLEARLY did not hear her right, because of my desire to save the relationship, even now.

At the same time, I should have been more receptive to how she was feeling/acting.

I feel I was blinded because I was going through so much shit of my own.

When I initially moved in, taking a job near her place, I thought the discord of living together was normal and that we'd be able to work things out as we learned to live together.

Then I got laid off, due to the company's financial problems.

I think that was pretty hard for us to handle, because I'm not always quick to get back on my feet when it comes to this sort of thing anyways.

After about a month of looking for a job in the same/similar industry, I then took a job that was not something I'd normally do. It was shitty job from 3-9am just so I could have something. I got to see less and less of her and I think that drove us farther apart. I also think it pushed her to go find attention elsewhere.

I eventually got my current job, which I am very happy with, but it was too late.

We of course had our own problems before I moved in, so I'm not saying things were perfect. I'm just saying all this additional shit piled on to it and it makes it near impossible to recover from our original problems. We now have another set of problems.

Ones that she doesn't want to solve with me, let alone solve our original problems.

I'm scared that she won't want to come back to us because of the headache that it brings.

But I know in my heart that if we did it right (counseling), we wouldn't have to worry about it again. We'd be stronger and a lot more receptive to each other. I don't see how we could lose.

[guitarmy]

She was 18 and I was 21 when we met.

Hate to break this to ya but it sounds like she's found someone new! JMHO

Im on my second marriage . The sad reality is that the divorce rate is very high. Perhaps many get married too young and there can be many factors involved. Marriage in my opinion makes people work harder on the relationship. Its not so easy to just walk away for either person. Perhaps she would be willing to see a counselor with you? But then again, you must be carfull becasue there are good and bad ones out there. If you go to see 5 differant ones, they may give you 5 differant views? I guess only time will tell. I am older than you. I think its differant for people in their late 40s and 50s than for younger couples your age. I wish you the best. Wish I had some magic answer for you but you will have to work on it and see if you can salvage it. My advice though, if you truly are in love with her, is to pop the question. See how she reacts. Good luck.

Yeah unfortunately there is someone else at this point.

She has told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me, so I don't feel right now in asking her to marry me (even though I'd love to).

She claims not to be in love with this guy and that she doesn't want a relationship with him, but it just seems like that's the path they are going down.

It really kills me because she just told me she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anybody, so I think she is in denial that she is entering relationship territory with this other guy. Before she knows it, she'll officially be in a relationship and be wondering all over again what she's been missing.

Either that or she'll marry him. In that case I'm really screwed.

I love this woman and I can't let her go. She has admitted to being confused and she has admitted to needing professional help. But she doesn't seek it, even though she knows things will catch up with her as they have before.

[Pb Derigable]

Life does not get better, the goal is not to make it worse.

She seems like she moved on, you should do the same. I won't tell you that you will find someone new. I can't tell you how to move on. but any sort of communication with this girl can only make you feel worse.

[ninelives]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. The only thing I would suggest is to try to give her some time and space without contact. Yes she wants to be friends but explain to her that right now it is difficult for you to be friends when you feel so much more and that it isn't that you want to lose contact. Time is a great healer of wounds, without trying to sound too trite.

There's no easy way to get over the pain of ending a relationship - you have to feel what you feel and do your best to try to push forward with your own life. I wish you all the best and I hope things will work out for you.

[Uncle Bill]

IMO,your only chance is if she decides she made a mistake leaving you, and comes back. When someone of the opposite sex says "I want to be your friend" this is normally a death sentence for a relationship.

Put her in the rear view mirror and move on. Remember "losers live in the past" Mike Ditka

[I have got a horsey]

I was waiting for the right time and circumstance. Meaning I didn't think it was smart to get married in college. She graduated before I did, so there was a period where she was waiting for me so we could move on together.

I guess she got tired of waiting, because eventually she started wondering what else was out there. We dated all through college so this makes a lot of sense to me.

I've had a rough time the past couple of years with school, money, and jobs. I didn't want to propose to her because I didn't think I deserved her yet. Or maybe I didn't think she would think she deserved me. I wanted to marry her, and I know I mentioned it (she doesn't think I did), and every time I did it seemed like that she wasn't happy with where I was at. So yeah, I waited for a better time to come along, and for me to get on my feet.

So I figured I just had to get my situation going in the right direction, and then I could pop the question. Recently, I thought I was doing just that, but unfortunately we had already moved in together, and I'd been through a couple jobs in the past few months. I was laid off for financial reasons for the first one, worked a shitty hours job for the second (not able to see her as much I would have liked), and now my current job is great.

So I think it's just a tragedy that we were almost there and I just needed her to hang on a little longer. I wish she could see the tragedy of us not being on the same page, so we could get back to whatever page that is.

...

One thing that is in the back of my mind is that my parents were divorced. This doesn't mean I don't want to commit to her, but it does mean that I'm probably more careful about it than most people.

In a way, I felt like I was already committed to her with the many promises that we'd made each other. But somehow, the rest of the world's opinions on our long "commitment-less" relationship got to her.

One thing that really bothers me, is that if she would have been willing to marry me a year or two ago, then why can't we do that now?

Everyone changes, but we are still very much the same people.

IMO, we have just gotten short changed a little, facing a lot of things that a young couple probably wasn't prepared to handle (living together with money problems).

I think we just need to regroup and remember what about our relationship made us happy.

You know, you can see a lot of issues there in your post, and things that indicate why she broke up with you.

First of all communication was obviously a problem between the two of you, and maybe you weren't communicating effectively how you both felt. That means you weren't emotionally interacting with each other, not a good sign. She only asked you recently why you never married her and you gave an answer, that, unfortunately, at the time probably sounded like an excuse. She probably needed to know at the time, when all that was happening to you, why you weren't getting married. Did she know of your fears about your parents marriage? Did she know you were waiting for the right time? It's too late when she's moved on emotionally.

Your self-esteem was another major issue:

"I didn't want to propose to her because I didn't think I deserved her yet. Or maybe I didn't think she would think she deserved me."

So if that's true, then you have self-esteem problems which could have affected the relationship in a major way. Because you didn't feel worthy enough to be married to her, in a way you could've been subtly sabotaging everything. You may have deliberately avoided getting married to her and eventually pushed yourself out of the relationship because your low self-esteem kept telling you that you weren't good enough for her.

It's a tragedy, sure, but then how exactly do you feel about tragedy? If you have low self-esteem or depression, you had a shitty childhood, then tragedy can seem a lot more attractive than happiness.

In your posts talking about the history of your relationship, you talk about the problems you both had in living together, the problems before you were living together, her waiting around for you...be honest with yourself: was it really a good relationship? Were you both happy together, at the same time? Or did the whole thing just become a security blanket for you?

Because there's a lot of reasons like you were waiting for the right time and circumstances to get married, or you didn't feel you were worthy enough to get married, or you had shitty jobs and didn't want to get married when you were in college, or your parents got divorced so you had to be cautious, or you were practically married anyway because of all the promises you had made...

At some point reasons turn into excuses.... Women aren't stupid, they suss out pretty bloody quickly how committed a man is.

And only now that's she's gone, you suddenly fell propelled to get serious about marriage, or, lol, get serious about thinking about it...

Because now you want to do counselling and get back together etc etc, and frankly this is all about her, right? I mean she couldn't see how committed you were already, and she couldn't see why you weren't getting married to her, she didn't understand a lot of what was going on...

You see? It means you weren't communicating together. You weren't interacting, you weren't sharing your feelings.

The relationship was probably stagnant for years, and she finally decided to do something about it.

I really do apologise if this post from me seems a little tough on you, it's nothing personal, it's just how the situation looks to me.

[guitarmy]

You see? It means you weren't communicating together. You weren't interacting, you weren't sharing your feelings.

The relationship was probably stagnant for years, and she finally decided to do something about it.

I really do apologise if this post from me seems a little tough on you, it's nothing personal, it's just how the situation looks to me.

Yes I know exactly what you mean, and communication was part of our problem that we need to address.

I hear you though.

[eternal light]

My girlfriend and I of almost 7 years have come to the end of our relationship.

I'm not sure what to say about it so if you want to help me then ask me some questions.

I want to be as fair as possible to her so I can't give you all the details.

This really sucks. Please give me something to do on the computer besides cry when talking to her on IM.

Let go, see other girls and wait to see what happens. She may change her mind a week from now. If not, you'll be seeing new people. Be confident. Keep a positive outlook. Be your own best friend. Find ways to release the pain and renew your spirit. Rejection is painful but focus on those who for whatever reason ease your pain, make you smile, and renew your confidence. Smile every day.

[~Bonnie~]

Sorry to hear about your situation. From what you have described, It is definately time to move on. You need to cut all contact with her. All you are doing by "keeping in touch' is just continuing to let her string you along.

You don't need this.

Yes, it hurts, but it's better she ended it now, before you guys got married and had kids and she took half of everything you own!

[Dancin'Days]

Life sucks for you right now I know. My best advice to you would be get away, visit some friends and don't have any contact with her. I know it is hard but once you get out and enjoy other things at least you will get her off your mind from time to time. Don't go looking for another girl but if the chance pops up, go for it. Good luck!

[Ronniedawg]

Going through that right now, even afraid to add anyone of the opposite sex to my Facebook account, just in case she see's it. I didnt want this to happen and at times, I'm finding it difficult to move on. Even though its been two years.

"you're a great guy, you have lots to offer, you're gorgeous, you're smart/funny, you're a complete package for any woman but......"

[I have got a horsey]

"you're a great guy, you have lots to offer, you're gorgeous, you're smart/funny, you're a complete package for any woman but......"

"...but to me you're more of a friend. I'm sure the right woman will come along for you one day..."

[Electrophile]

I'm sorry to hear it, breakups suck. That being said, I must concur with those here who've said to break off contact and let her go. It'll hurt because your heart is saying "I want to keep talking to her", but your brain has to overrule here. It's not good for either of you if you continue to have contact after you've split. If she's seeing someone new, that guy won't take too kindly to an ex constantly talking to his girlfriend. The same goes for if you see someone new.

[spats]

Well here are a "few" details:

We started going out when we were 18. We dated all through college and now we are 25/26.

She asked me recently why I didn't ask her to marry me.

I don't know if she believes me, but here is why:

I was waiting for the right time and circumstance. Meaning I didn't think it was smart to get married in college. She graduated before I did, so there was a period where she was waiting for me so we could move on together.

I guess she got tired of waiting, because eventually she started wondering what else was out there. We dated all through college so this makes a lot of sense to me.

I've had a rough time the past couple of years with school, money, and jobs. I didn't want to propose to her because I didn't think I deserved her yet. Or maybe I didn't think she would think she deserved me. I wanted to marry her, and I know I mentioned it (she doesn't think I did), and every time I did it seemed like that she wasn't happy with where I was at. So yeah, I waited for a better time to come along, and for me to get on my feet.

So I figured I just had to get my situation going in the right direction, and then I could pop the question. Recently, I thought I was doing just that, but unfortunately we had already moved in together, and I'd been through a couple jobs in the past few months. I was laid off for financial reasons for the first one, worked a shitty hours job for the second (not able to see her as much I would have liked), and now my current job is great.

So I think it's just a tragedy that we were almost there and I just needed her to hang on a little longer. I wish she could see the tragedy of us not being on the same page, so we could get back to whatever page that is.

...

One thing that is in the back of my mind is that my parents were divorced. This doesn't mean I don't want to commit to her, but it does mean that I'm probably more careful about it than most people.

In a way, I felt like I was already committed to her with the many promises that we'd made each other. But somehow, the rest of the world's opinions on our long "commitment-less" relationship got to her.

...

One thing that really bothers me, is that if she would have been willing to marry me a year or two ago, then why can't we do that now?

Everyone changes, but we are still very much the same people.

IMO, we have just gotten short changed a little, facing a lot of things that a young couple probably wasn't prepared to handle (living together with money problems).

I think we just need to regroup and remember what about our relationship made us happy.

When she asked you "why didn't you ask me to marry you?" you should have asked.."Why didn't you ask me?". If she wanted to get married bad enough she could have asked you.

Either way you should move on. It's gonna hurt right now but it's for the best. There are plenty of other women out there. Youa re just going to torture yourself pining over a woman who has moved on.

Good luck.

[electricmage]

Life does not get better, the goal is not to make it worse.

She seems like she moved on, you should do the same. I won't tell you that you will find someone new. I can't tell you how to move on. but any sort of communication with this girl can only make you feel worse.

You are wrong. Life does get better. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I've learned that the hard way.

[spats]

You are wrong. Life does get better. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I've learned that the hard way.

It depends on the person. Life does not get better for every person. If one is lucky it does.